The Hours Tick By.....

The days are long. The nights pass quickly, much too quickly. Morning comes and the last thing I want to do is get out of bed. I move to pick up Oliver from the crib; he cries to escape the imprisonment of his night time captivity. Perhaps it's time for a toddler bed. I think so. If it wasn't for him and for a job, I'd stay in bed all day long.

I work each day. I smile. I try to function. I even perform like I should, although I'm not as enthusiastic as I have been. I tell you this because I really hope things will change, and then I can look back and see what I'm walking through right now. It's been really hard. I can't even seem to let God in, even though I ask Him each day to enter my life and take this pain away. I'm supposed to act like a grown up, but how can I when my world is crashing around me? My sweet son seems a bit oblivious to what's happening. I'm glad because he's so good at accepting his life for what it is; he knows nothing different, that nothing should be different.

I ask God for help each day so that I can parent our son. Matt seems to be doing fine, and despite how this has hurt him too, he's been able to stand up tall and continue to enjoy his life. He has had good times with Oliver a lot lately, and for their sake, I'm very glad.

Breathe. Deep breaths. In with peace. Out with pain. One step at a time. Ask for help. Accept the help. Try to be patient; this will take time. Do what I can. Pray for strength. For courage. For direction. Talk to others. Reach out. Beg for mercy from my God. It sounds so sad I suppose, and right now it is. I know a lot of people have it way worse. I wish I could find the encouragement I need. People have been encouraging me. But I can't muster the energy to encourage myself and move forward. If only I could find it. I'm still grieving I guess. My life, as I knew it, is now gone.