Fly thru My Window

I am feeling sentimental again. I came across this blog (the title of my post today) and this woman writes about her life and children. I love it. Her photography is beautiful and it's got me dreaming again about having another child. Matt is so dead set against it and here I am, on the eve of turning 45, wishing, wanting, almost needing another child. I'm practically regretting my past. The angst of "oh why didn't I do this sooner. Had I known......." And there are many "regrets" I have. Heck, if I were to do it again perhaps I'd chose a business major instead of art. Following my passions has gotten me into a load of trouble at times. It was costly. At the same time, they bring me joy and when I'm not wishing, yearning and wanting, I'm happy, full and content.

Darby's two beautiful girls in their hand made dresses... and stunning little boy.... what a life. I wonder tho, how one finds time to sew with three active children around? And yet as unrealistic as that seems, I yearn for that. Oliver is enough. And yet he's not enough. Oh why didn't I start this childbearing stuff much sooner?

Then the thoughts of being pregnant again send a slight chill up my back. I am not so sure I want to go thru that again. The nausea. The big belly. The whole nine months of it all. But I do. But I don't. But really, I do. But Matt doesn't. See? It's not so easy to be in my head. As I've heard it said, it's a dangerous place to be alone. But I'm not alone. I have you Internet. The 3 followers that I have. Wink. Anyway, it seems that's all that's out there.

So the children in her posts stayed with me for the night yesterday. I can hardly take a breath. I want another child. Actually two. Maybe three! I'll be lucky for just one more. And I'm grateful for the one I have. How is it life can be like this?

I know I was born to be a mother among other things. That is what I know I can do well. I'm glad I am who I am and that I'm the kind of mother I am. I'm glad I have the life I have. I think that it's OK to want more. To wish. To yearn. To dream. Something's not quite right. Something's ... missing? I'm not sure. All I know is that Darby's blog has me thinking and pondering. And very sentimental. And I'm not pms-ing. I wish Matt knew the depths to which I wish this gift for us. It's deep. And I don't think he knows how much it hurts to think I might not have a brother or sister for Oliver. He doesn't know how my headlights dim when the thought of not having another comes to mind. How my spark dulls when I see brothers and sisters together as it reminds me of my own situation that is not yet resolved.

Oh, one more thing. I just love how Darby dresses both of her daughters the same, even tho they are not the same age. Lovely!

Anyway, I'm looking forward to next week where Oliver and I will be on a lovely holiday up in Door County at the cottage for a whole week. No daddy, but we'll survive. I'm not sure how it will be w/o Internet. But at the very least I'll have satellite TV. But no sewing machine. Wink.


  1. You should send this post to Matt. It might help him understand ... Also, with you two getting older .... Oliver will need a sibling to help care for you properly!!! tee hee. Seriously though, my cousin is an only child raising her kids and caring for her elderly mom. She has no one to share the load with her -- particulary since she is a single mom. My own mom was in that boat, too. It can be tough ...

    I know what you mean about the dresses. I used to dress Julia and Elena alike all the time even though they are 3 1/2 years apart!

    I think your feelings are normal no matter what. I have two adorable children, but wonder if I should have had three .... it seems there is no end to the second guessing we can do to ourselves.


  2. i loved/hated this post of yours. i loved it because i know how good of a mother you are and how badly you would love another baby. and i hated it for that same reason. i feel many of the same emotions you do, except for a different reason obviously. yes im only 21 but im single, no prince charming is coming into my life, all i want out of life is to be a mom, and i have ALLLLLLLLL these female health problems. so i feel your pain, but because of a different scenario. love you andrea! xoxo megs


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