Mom guilt

I can't help but feel terrible each day that I drop Oliver off at his daycare. As we approach the door I think of how bad it is that strangers have to care for him. And they let him cry way more than I do. And he comes home and is crabby. And I think, "They are ruining my perfect little child." I walk down the hall, barely myself, thinking loudly in my head about how self-centered I am. How selfish. How mean. How terrible. I smile at no one. I look down. I look at the photos on the walls of all the other kids. I stop in my tracks when I notice one of Oliver up there. Who does that? Who sees my child behind a lens (or on a LCD screen) and who is he peering up at? His photos blend in with all the others. My child is just one of the many there. He doesn't stand out. He's not special. He looks normal and like every other cute (or not so cute) kid there. It's not like at home where he's the center of my world. At daycare, he's just another kid who's snap shots are taped to the wall with leaves, pumpkins, and other construction paper frames.

As I walk down the hall strangers come up to my son and say, "Hi Oliver!" and he grins back, a big big smile for them. Who are these people who know my son's name? I've never met them. Yet he's buds with them. I've never introduced him to anyone there except his teacher. But everyone knows his name and loves him. I'm sure that's a good thing, but it's unsettling as well.

Then tonight, I was looking forward to spending the evening with just the two of us. The 6 o'clock sun was perfect for a crispy, warm-lit evening walk. Instead, I plopped Oliver into the car seat and took him to work with me. His DVD player was the babysitter while I worked at my desk. I felt horrible. When I left work it was past his bed-time and he was asleep before I took the first turn home. Oh well.

At the same time, I enjoy working... I feel grown up and need some adults to talk to about the career that I'm still somewhat passionate about. This is just something that I will have to hopefully let it work itself out in my head. Maybe some day this will make more sense.

Comments

  1. oh darlin!! no need to worry--im sure all moms go thru these kinds of things in their head... not to say that some of your thoughts arent true (like who are all these people that know my baby? olivers pix just blend in with the other kids on the wall..etc etc) BUT i think you're being too hard on yourself! yes there are lots of other kids at the daycare, but if he didnt like it there, i dont think he would be smiling at people. a lot of kids are crabby when they come home from daycare too, because its just a totally different schedule than what they're used to at home..hopefully it will get better with time! and while it would be lovely to be a SAHM, babies adjust to having working parents....that's how it usually is now-a-days! so anyway, i know you're feeling guilty but just get on ur knees and ask god for clarity about ur feelings and for him to take the guilt away..that's what i've been having to do lately cuz i've been getting in my head way way wayyyyy too much and its KILLIN me! so i hope this helps, i'll see u and adorable little oliver on monday, love you TONS! xoxoxoxoxoxo Megs

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  2. Thanks Megan! You're right on. I'm glad you get to watch Oliver on Monday's and Wednesday's. I don't feel guilty at all when he's with you. And you took such great care of him this summa too. You are like family Megs... how cool it is for us to have you in our lives. Oliver loves you! :)

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