the most depressing day....

The only way I could console myself today was to listen to one of Oliver's albums... Snacktime by Barenaked Ladies. There was a song on the album called Bad Day, and in the midst of my depression (not clinical) I played the song obsessively until an IM from my husband at 4 pm slapped me back into reality. For interested parties, feel free to jump to the end of this post for the pathetic lyrics.... pathetic for a grown woman that is, not for a 5 year old for whom the song was written.

So here's why I'm struggling today:

While I'm happy about the fact that Oliver has slept thru the night lately in 8 hour stretches, I think I may have shot myself in the foot as I helped him do so. I am 98% outta milk. No milk. Shop is closed for the season. Oh goodness. I hope not for long, but I have little faith.

I don't know what happened. Monday I was not able to get much milk out. Today was pathetic. I pumped 3 times, and I was only able to get 1.5 oz. On top of that I appear to be fertile again. I've lost hope. I heard somewhere today that it takes just as much energy to be optimistic as it does to be pessimistic. I'm am optimistic. For like 5 seconds. And then the lifeless banana peels appear. Breathless. Lifeless. Empty. Sad. Done.

If this is the end of breastfeeding my son I will definitely cry. So far, this is the saddest part of being a mom. I knew this day would come, but I can't believe, after only 5 short months, my milk supply has dried up.

I had wanted to breastfeed for at least 1 year. I also wanted to hold off on solids until 6 months or longer! I even entertained thoughts of not feeding him solids for an even longer time... I have little faith that my milk will return even after talking to a lactation consultant today and stocking up on all kinds of herbal supplements.

On top of that, work sucks right now. And I hate the new updated version of Firefox too. Dammit. But who really cares about that anyway, because...

Oliver starts day care tomorrow. Yes, August 27, 2008 I am going to hand my son over to the care of strangers. His happy little smile, his sparkling ocean blue eyes.... his sweet (piercing) little cries... his swinging arms, clenching hands, wobbling body and arching back. How are they ever going to decipher what he needs and wants? And how long will they let him cry? And how are they going to get him to take a nap? And how are they going to know just anything about him?

I gotta go cry myself to sleep now.


Bad Day, by Barenaked Ladies

I'm havin' a bad day.
There's nothin you can do or say
to help me thru this bad day.
I think I'll just stay in my room.

They didn't need to say
that they didn't wanna play
I coulda guessed it anyway
that's why I'm here in my room.

It seems like I'm the only one
who's not outside an' havin' fun.
I wish this day had never begun.
I think I'll just stay in my room

Sometimes I wanna run and hide.
Today I wanna stay inside.
Tell my bike to take itself for a ride
I'm staying in today.

See the toys lyin' on the floor?
I don't want them anymore.
Think I'll sell them back to the store
or give them all away.

It feels like I'm the only one
who's not outside an' havin' fun.
I wish this day had never begun.
I think I'll just stay in my room.

I don't needs hugs and I don't want food.
I want to stay here in this lonely mood.
I don't care if people think I'm rude
I wish they would all go away.

Dad comes in and tells me with a kiss
everyone has days like this
brought my dinner, said that I was missed.
I think I'll be ok.

I know I'm not the only one
to stay inside and watch the fun.
Thanks a lot, that helped a ton
tomorrow's gonna be a better day.