The Last Dose of Freedom

Ok, the clock is ticking. And I'm freaking. I admit it, I'm full of fear. I try not to think about it. I mean, mostly I'm ready for, come on, lets just get it over with and move forward already. 'Cept we can't right now. So, it's Saturday and it still feels as if nothing much is changing down there. Peanut is getting bigger tho, and again I have two fears: One is that he's too big for his cute little outfits waiting for him and Two is that he's too big for an easy birth and it's gonna hurt like hell to get him out. I can't even pretend to be strong. I'm just plain scared and I can't hide it.

We had a nice weekend for the most part. Friday afta work we had dinner w/another couple and basically headed home after that. Today, for old time's sake, I had a small cup of soup for breakfast and then met a good friend at Benji's Deli for a real greasy breakfast, my favorite kind. Oh yum, that was good! Matt wanted to run a few errands today and as the sun was out, I obliged to accompany him. The snow is finally melting, the sun is shining and the weather is getting warmer. I'm looking forward to walks in the neighborhood with our little guy. Then Matt wanted to eat out and our good friend Rev Dr Ricky called and we met up for a nice dinner and some good laughs. Now we're about to kick back and watch a movie. (Ok first, I'm going to straighten my hair just in case I go into labor tonight! God knows I can't look like sh*t when I give birth.) So Rick reminded us that our lives are going to change greatly by end of this coming week. I can't even imagine. And Rick says, No, you can't. You have no idea.

I have no idea. We have no idea. It's hard to imagine. It's hard to imagine coming home w/a baby. It's hard to imagine that I will want to keep him. It's hard to imagine the loss of freedom, the love I might feel, the pain I might be in—physically and emotionally. And I've heard other parents say they can't remember life w/o their child.

So right now, my life is quiet, peaceful, restful, relaxing.... I can do what I want when I want usually. We can up and go. I have no where to be other than work each day. I have few commitments if any. I have time to take quiet baths. Time to do my hair and makeup. I drive faster than the speed limit. I eat when I want. I stop where I want after work. I just plain and simple have a lot of freedom. Right now Matt's on his lap top, I'm on my computer and Drumline is on the plasma TV in high def. In just a bit (after I'm done w/my hair) we'll watch another movie and just kick back on the couch. It's kind of simple.

I think it's kind of boring too in a way. Maybe I am up for some drama, restless nights and excitement. Maybe we are about as ready as we can be.