My body is not my own anymore

I cannot believe how powerless I am over what's happening to my body. I used to think (and still do to some degree) that I was in control of my body just by what I eat, how I dress and style my hair/makeup, etc...... exercise, etc. But that is such a small and minor (well, maybe not so minor) part of it. Being pregnant changes a lot of that.

I mean, I'm grateful I haven't gained 60lbs like my friends said I would during this pregnancy. I've gained only 16lbs so far and I'm QUITE happy about that. Again, not a whole lot of that was in my control. I can only fit so much food into my stomach before I get sick and want to puke. Therefore, I just can't stuff my face. Not to mention, I'm not hungry for certain foods like chocolate and candy. Gross. I do like fruit now that I'm prego and I prefer to get my sugar fix that way. Otherwise, I have no desire for sweets or cookies. That is so not me!

But here's the kicker: I look down and some days my feet are swollen. Some days, like last night, I'm tired beyond belief. So yesterday, all I could do after work was come home, chill out in front of my fake fire place, fill the tub with hot water and bath salts, sit in that for an hour or more........ I didn't even have the desire or energy to make dinner (which I had fascinated and dreamed about all day: fettucini alfreado with tortellini, chicken and red peppers..... oh yum!) and so I just ate a bowl of banana nut crunch cereal, a bowl of soup and that was it! And here's what horrified me that night...... in the tub I looked at my calves, and they just weren't my calves! They were bigger. Much bigger than I remembered. Not that too many people would say that my legs didn't look like my own, but to me, they were different. I can't say how much bigger, but they definitely were not my regular size. And...... you could see where my socks and boots ended (still skinny, thin body/leg there) and then the bloated, bulging area the rest of my leg took on. I tried to squeeze the "bulge" back into the ankle area to even it out some, but it wouldn't bulge. I figured it was like clay, that I could mold it. But I could not. It's just so strange.

I'm just waiting. Waiting. Waiting for my whole face and arms and body to plump out. I heard that can happen, and most probably will. I heard that my body will fill up with more blood and fluid just before I give birth, and I'll look like the purple girl, Violet Beauregarde from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (minus the purple) and that I'll look bloated for a few days even after giving birth.

You know, I've been so lucky so far. I have no stretch marks (that I can see or note) and I've gained very little weight. I have energy and can still bend down to pick things up (tho I'd rather not) and I sleep pretty well. I do have some inconveniences, but they are pretty tolerable (heartburn, dry heaves, peeing frequently etc) ...... I'm just waiting for the bomb to drop.

Speaking of dropping, I've also given up on my boobs. They are just not glamor girl style anymore either. Aside from the cottage cheese on my thighs (which was there prior to getting pregnant) I'm most embarrassed about how these sagging sacks look (and lets not even talk about the areolae which are as big as dinner plates and feathered out). Where are the perky breasts of my youth? I used to go out bra-less all the time! In fact, it was just a mere 10 years earlier that I'd do that. I remember showing them off all the time, as if I knew that one day they'd turn into unsightly, lifeless, empty banana peels... Today, I am not even 100% comfortable letting my own husband see them! They've turned into pendulous, sagging sacks—mini cow udders if you will—sad little creatures who have fallen from grace.

I'm so getting a breast lift after all this is over.