Monday, September 9, 2019

Monday Morning Drag and the Scent of Fall

Mondays, can you believe it? They still are a bit of a challenge, depending upon the season. Fall is one of the most beautiful seasons and the colors are so dazzling and vibrant. The heat of my home is cozy and warm. The sunshine makes fall spectacular. Football. Packers. Chili. Hanging with my son or friends. Maybe even a cold beer or Bloody Mary while watching the game. Ooooh, and my fall sweaters. My fabulous finds! In the depths of summer with sweltering temps, the prettiest and most expensive sweaters can be found tucked away on sale racks for pennies. Then I get to pull them out of their bags, rip the tags off and don a pretty knit. It's so much fun! I love Fall.

But my body remembers and I have to work to shake off the anxiety and sadness. Life is not bad now, but my body thinks it is. My body thinks I'm sad and lonely and that my husband has left me and I'm sick about it still. I'm not sick about it. But my body is acting like it is. My stomach hurts. The wind, blowing through the leaves in Door County, whispers, “He left you. He left you with a young child, 2 years old. He loves someone else. You're not loved. Your dreams are over. You lost. You are grieving.”

I'm not truly going through that. And I shake it off. I shake it off hard. And I think, “I want to go home.” A part of me panics. “I need to go home. Something is happening there, something bad and I have to go back to Milwaukee.” Perhaps this is part of PTSD.

Whatever it is, I don't like it and I wish it would stop. I'm not sure how to make it stop. I want to enjoy the fall. There's so much loss in the fall I can't begin to transcend it sometimes. My mother passed away on September 15th. My father's open-heart surgery. My father coming to the cottage and all the fun times we had, those are gone now too. He is a tortured soul ravaged with dementia — and no, I'm not a good daughter for bringing him up there with us this past weekend.

It's almost 9 am, and as soon as I publish this, I'll set my mind for a day of work.

Have you lost anyone in the fall? Have your children set off for college in the fall?  Do the leaves rustling rattle you? Or do they feel wonderful? Are you ready for some football? Is life good?


Monday, June 6, 2016

2016 Has Been Great So Far!

I've been too busy enjoying my life, our lives, to write lately. It seems where there are no calamities, there are also no stories to be told.

You would not believe how tall and smart and sweet my son has become. Sweet he's always been, but tall and smart, thinking great thoughts, feeling confident, turning from a baby into a young boy with a bit of brains and a bit of charisma and charm. Yes, there are girls circling around him on the playground like the little birds in my yard this year, fighting for worms, fighting for a tad bit of attention from Oliver. He doesn't find it flattering, not yet anyway. He's slightly annoyed because he's really trying to score on the football or kickball field. I've watched him from afar once or twice and I see how seriously he takes his recess games. And when I'm not there physically, I hear all about the game when he comes home, play by play. I know how fast he's running, how his diet is affecting his game, how sleep and shoes and even shirts all play an important role in how he performs. His goal right now is to be a football player. And he's taking it quite seriously. His ball in hand wherever we go. And I mean, WHEREVER we go. He'd take it to church if he could.

Speaking of church, I gave Oliver a Jesus Calling for kids book. He reads it daily. I thought it was something I'd have to help him get into the habit of reading, but he's on his bed daily reading it. He loves it and last night he told me he really wants a Bible. He asked me all sorts of questions about Jesus and why he died, why he HAD to die, and really, truly, I'm just learning all this myself. Really. Heck I asked the question of my mentors just this past weekend! We were at the museum two weeks ago and there was a beautiful exhibit of Jerusalem. He was fascinated with the scale model of the town of Jerusalem,  recognizing all the places he'd heard about before. It was a really cool display and one of the other second graders started talking about Jesus. She mentioned a movie she saw, and after Oliver realized she knew buckets more about His life than he did he exclaimed, "Yeah, I haven't seen the movie yet." I'm like, whoa, there's not just one movie about Christ but I decided not to tackle the subject on a second grade field trip.

My apartment is beautiful. We have such a nice home here, and now I finally have it very organized. I had my girls over Friday night and needed just one more day to get it really cleaned up. But oh well. They were not here to see the apartment, they were here to see me. I had so much fun that we lacked any decent sleep so I did sleep much of the day Saturday. My body was wiped! I've been walking 3-15 miles a day (thanks to my new apple watch I know exactly how much I walk!) and between the cottage and my yard here at the new apartment, laundry in the basement up to the second floor or even the attic, I get around quite a lot. Saturday Oliver was with his dad and those days are now somewhat of a chill-out me-time specialty that I crave and thoroughly enjoy. I would of course rather have my life the way I had hoped and dreamed it would be, but this is nice too. I've relaxed comfortably into my life. That I can tell you is a big load off my back. It feels good to be me. Slightly over-weight, slightly broke, slightly getting older every day. And I don't mind it one bit. I'm beginning to like myself and not worry so much anymore about what others think of me. I have a lot of good friends and am lucky and blessed. I know this and it warms my heart and gives me great comfort and satisfaction.

I'll post pictures next.

The big surprise is a new blog coming soon. It's just around the corner!

xx oo

Monday, January 4, 2016

2016 Is My Year

Is this your year too?

Enough has happened in the last 18 months that I am completely ready to start 2016 with a fresh blank slate. I'm ready to leave the past behind me and am ready to present a new ME to the world.

A few things that I hope you will hold me accountable to:

I started Fit Girls and am doing a 28-challenge. Not super easy but doable. Clean eating in small portions and working out at home. I am making a little gym / workout area in the basement. It's an old basement with at least one dead mouse, but I'm not afraid those tiny varmints, and in the pursuit of a bikini body (or even just a one-piece body), I'll do what I must. is what I'm following. I'm an Instagram junkie so this suits me just fine.

No more spongie boundaries. Nope. I am building a brick wall of boundaries, and I will not let anyone kick it down.

No more low-self esteem. I'm learning all these great things about myself and beginning to see what those who love me see.

No more beating myself up. I make mistakes. I am learning to look at WHY I make those mistakes and learning how to deal with difficult people in a healthier way.

No more explaining myself to others for why it took me so long to get over my ex-boyfriend. If someone doesn't understand Narcissistic Abuse, then it wont do me any good to explain why I acted the way I did.

I am letting what others think of me "go".

I am building a new website for emotionally abused women.

I am going to be honest, somewhere, either here or elsewhere about my past. Here's a sneak peak: I was almost murdered TWICE by two different men, two different times in my life. Once when I was 17 and once when I was in my 30's. The first time it would have been intentional homicide and the second time it would most likely have been unintentional homicide. Both men are free and living a nice life right now. Both men I am in contact with. (Please do not email, text or phone me about who these two men are.)

I am exploring business options.

I'm excited about 2016. There will always be challenges. I am determined to face them with strength and dignity, as I've done so often in the past.

Life is good today. I'm am working to keep this attitude (it's not difficult) as I move thru the coming months. I will share photos soon of the cute Christmas cookies I made and of our fun holidays. We had a blast.

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